I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Pants 0. Shit 1.
its not stalking. its research.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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