You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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