you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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