Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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