You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
