if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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