You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
