woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
