Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
