there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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