10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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