I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
