If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
