I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
