nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Randomize
