I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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