I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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