if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The best revenge is premature balding
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
