i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You have to summon your inner elephant
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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