When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
