Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
