So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
