based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
