Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
