Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
