my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
