If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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