i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
