my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
