I just saw a hot homeless man
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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