It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
