Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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