you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
