I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
We got so high we made milksteak
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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