if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
