If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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