Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize