I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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