I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
