I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
