The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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