Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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