He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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