Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
as a side note pls kill me
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