i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Text me some of your sweat
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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