my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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