New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
