oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
