i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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