happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
