Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He? As in you personified your dick?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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