it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize