if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize