when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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