You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
