went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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