Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize