I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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